Denial Epilogue: The Aftermath

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I’ve got the largest storm to hit myself today. The supposed-to-be greatest feat of my life turned to be my greatest slap of failure.

Undergoing to the hassles of VISA application, I just can’t believe they dumped me just because I’m too young. Well, it’s actually because I haven’t established “ties” that will coerce me to return here in the Philippines. But I’m telling you, I really am.

The moment, the interviewer said (she’s a she) that I’m too young, that I haven’t established strong “ties” that will compel me to return (didn’t I said that earlier?) “Ties”, for those who don’t know a thing about the embassy jargon, are things – social, familial, economic – that will make me return to my country of citizenship. Well, at first, I tried to defend my position and the only tie I had – my family, but I didn’t insist, they might ban me totally from entering the US. At first, I hyperventilated. I can feel that I’m running out of breath. I tried not to show the many people around my failure, they might be daunted and end up being just like me. Assessing my position in the embassy, of all the student visa applicants, it seems like that, I’m the only one going for college. The others that I followed are applying for Master’s Degree which is the afterlife of college degree. And their ages, they’re ages away from my age. The interviewer might be shocked that time seeing a wee lad in front of him. I freaked out, but not much.

I went to my ma and aunt. They are expecting that I will be approved. But I gestured my thumb down and said, Denied. A lil’ bit of envy to the master’s degree would-be holders bit me. What’s wrong with being young? Why, it IS the most typical age to study and why not give the opportunity. I just can’t comprehend what other ties do they need; can’t they see, I’m a minor and I can’t work nor that I can have a family of my own. The only possible tie for a minor is his own family. I have them – here in the Philippines and I have no intention to petition them there.

Honestly, I want to bomb the embassy. It may sound unchristian, but I really want. If you’re thinking a bomb, as in a real exploding bomb, no it isn’t. I just want to tell them how narrow-minded they are, how bias they are and how illogical they are. Life is. And I don’t expect them to be. Well, isn’t the American Dream a LIFE to crave for? Well, anyways, I want to tell the world how caring my ma was. She was so concerned in me that she called the people in NY and told them what exactly happened. They promised – they would do ANYTHING possible way to reconsider my efforts. Still, as human nature, to see is to believe.

You can’t blame me if I would feel shame and dismay, it’s human nature. No one can tell me enough that it is okay and that I have still too many years to guzzle. No one can comfort me… no one but God.

I just thought, ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him. He would never discourage me, but the devil is. Spiritual it may be, God never harms His people, but He sometimes allow the devil to hurt us a lil’ to test us. He wants us to despair in our strength and have no other option but to throw away ourselves to His endless grace (paraphrased from Josh Harris’ Not Even A Hint.) Our strength and wisdom might be limited but God is omnipotent/scient. He is endless, He is eternal. His mercy lives forever. God made me realize that he is just preparing me more for the new life I would be facing. My ma told me, that I have to let go of any bitterness, especially in the family, that is, my father and brother Kevin. That would be the hardest thing to do for me. It’s not that easy to forgive someone who doesn’t apologize! Nevertheless, I’ll try. God wants me to forgive them and improve my relationship with them – from ma, pa Kevin to Angel. Another thing is, God might want me to serve Him while I’m still here in the Philippines.

Of all that things, I still cannot hold on to something solid but the will of God. I still believe that the American Dream is still mine. God’s still willing to give me that. It’s just that, it’s not the perfect timing. This time, I don’t want to interfere with God’s movement. I have done my part, maybe it’s hi-time for me to pass the burden to God and His part. I think He wants me to trust Him FULLY and TOTALLY lean not on my own understanding, and let Him do the job. I will just let go of that if and only if the Lord would not show any more ways to redeem myself. This time, I’ll submit to him; I rarely do that. God, it’s all yours!

It can be traumatizing. It can be disappointing. It can be a shame. But the only thing I looked up to now is – God. He’s the one who will work for me this time. It’s a time to nurture my faith – believe and trust God with all of your heart, soul, and mind. I can do nothing; He can do everything.

The greater the failure is, the sweeter the success.